Fish Slapped...

Nostalgia~ For me a soft feather, floating on the wind of days past.  Looking back and remembering a time that was simpler, clearer, sweeter, more vibrant than today can ever seem to be.

I was caught the other day in a moment that took away my breath and resurrected all kinds of forgotten things.  The vivid picture in my mind went further than merely an incident, but encompassed all five senses and took me back in time fully.

When I moved into this area and got married I felt like I never quite fit in.  Could it have been the wild haircut, the 6 holes in my ears, the loud (albeit artfully applied) make-up?  Was it possible that I was young, very outspoken and idealistic? Naw of course not...it had to be my winning personality!

The reality was that I didn't fit into the ethnic people group I was living amongst, nor did I fit into the religious group I was worshiping with and I didn't fit into the family I'd married into with their traditions and perceived expectations.  I felt very alone.

And then I met my friend.  We became close as our kids were in the same classes at school and played on the same sports teams.  We soon discovered that we had many similar hobbies and interests and spent many mornings together over a cup of coffee working through our mothering struggles and joys.  We laughed and cried together over our successes and carried each other's burdens over our failures.

My friend's birthday is one day after my husband's and often we would celebrate together.  Our anniversary is on the same day of the same year as theirs and it seemed so easy to mesh our lives together, our family with theirs.

On my husband's birthday this year my mind went back to the last time my friend and I were together celebrating both of their birthday's.  We had a big group of people over and had eaten lots of great food, played games and were enjoying each other's company.  My friend and I sat on the couch and were taking the opportunity to catch up with each other.  I hugged her as a premonition overcame me that this time would pass too soon.

Sure enough, one day she came over with the news that her family was moving.  All I can liken it to was the feeling one would get having a huge tuna slapped across your face.  To say that I was heartbroken would be grossly understating what was going through my heart and mind. 

I guess the interesting thing is that time has softened the pain of her leaving but has not dulled the beauty that she brought to my life.  Through her friendship I realized that I didn't have to fit in ethnically as much as stand up for my own brand of authenticity in the community.  I didn't have to worship like everyone else, because God wanted my worship to be as unique as he created me to be~ there would be purity in my offering.  I also didn't have to feel intimidated by this rooted and wonderfully strong family I married into as my life experience would be woven together as part of their story as well.  Most of all, she encouraged me to live each day as a celebration of the good God had blessed me with by illustrating it in her own life.

I wondered the other day if I had been "IN" all of those moments we'd spent together.  Had I enjoyed each visit we'd had to the fullest?  Did I tell her how beautiful she was, did I have enough compassion for her hurts, did I cry enough tears to let her know how deeply I cared about her?  I pray so because there is no going back, no do-over, no second chances in those moments that slip so easily away. 

And so I am left only with this day.  I decided to drink deeply of today, be present in each moment.  Laugh loud, commend inner beauty, celebrate the smallest of achievements.  Hold the hand of the burdened, cry hard, compassionately walk beside the broken.  I want today to be as simple as a memory of yesterday always seems to be.  To be as quiet and warm, as welcoming and embracing as I remember days long past have been.

Hugs~n~hearts
Rhonda 

Let's get naked!

CAUTION...

The following is intended

to make you lose your layers~

I was 10.  It was a warm day, the sultry air was barely moving as sweat dripped down my face and neck.  I had constructed a paper fan thinking it would bring some measure of relief but was disappointed when the humidity softened it until it hung limply in my hand.  

My brother languished beside me on the back steps of our house, usually we were pestering each other but all we'd had energy to do was eat popsicles and let our dog lick the sticks clean.  What on earth could we do for some fun that would make this heat bearable?  My mom had the perfect idea, we were going swimming to the Greek pool!

You might be asking...what is a Greek pool?  It's not a "what", it's a "where".  I grew up in Arusha, Tanzania in East Africa and on the outskirts of town there was a Greek school that had a pool which non-Greek people were allowed to use occasionally.  It was a long drive from home but we excitedly got our swimming suits on, grabbed extra clothes and towells and headed out. 

The school compound was encompassed within a high cement wall and had a large gated entrance.  I held my breath to see if someone had left us a key so we could get in, only to realize that we were not the only one's there!  Some other friends had had the same idea and were already parked down by the pool, their mom's dropping them off with promises to return in a couple of hours.

Excitedly my brother and I waved as my mom drove away, nothing could be better than swimming for the afternoon in the outdoor pool with our friends!  We jumped in, doing cannonballs and splashing each other with reckless abandon, screaming and laughing at each other's antics.  As with all kids...things seemed to get sillier and sillier as the afternoon progressed. 

Honestly I don't remember whose idea it was at first, all I know is that we all loved it and giggled uncontrollably at the delicious thoughts...this was going to be FUN!  There were six of us in an Olympic sized pool and so we figured there wouldn't be a problem!  The plan was to swim to the outer edges of the pool, each of us as far apart as possible to avoid any unpleasant circumstances...count to three and let 'er rip. 

So, we all did as agreed. ONE, TWO, THREE~thwump...six sets of bathing suits went flying in the air and landed on the hot cement pool deck far out of reach.  We laughed and giggled and swam in very small circles, careful not to get too close to anyone else in case they could see us in all of our childhood glory.  I loved the feeling of freedom, the water was cool against my skin and there were no barriers to weigh me down. 

It was at that point that we realized we had a small problem.  Our bathing suits were beyond reach and our mothers would be returning soon~what were we going to do?  No one wanted to be first out of the water and being the brave sister that I am promptly nominated my brother, who just as promptly told me to take a hike and so we were at an impasse.  All of a sudden we heard a vehicle coming down the road and held our breath, eyes wide with the terror that only children being very naughty could understand.  We needed a plan! 

Desperation has a way of helping us become creative and so on the count of three we decided to turn around towards the pool edge and jump out~ NO PEEKING~run for our suits and pull them on before our mamma's got there.  ONE~TWO~THREE out we went, streaking buck naked for our suits, pulling, tugging and almost ripping them in an effort to get them on before anyone else was done and had turned back around.

I have never skinny-dipped since that day but I have also never forgotten what it felt like to be that free.

Rather than freedom I have had fear.  I don't remember a time when I was absolutely free of the tentacled hold fear has had over my life.  When I was young I suffered from re-occurring nightmares that would leave me sweat soaked and terrorized.  As I got older those fears morphed into sophisticated patterns of denial (insecurities) which I grew adept at manipulating so that others would never know how crippled I was on the inside.  The funny thing was, in my efforts to have people think that I had it all together I built a wall around my heart that left me desperately lonely.

In high school I wrote a poem that perfectly captured the essence of what I was feeling...

all alone

and

nowhere

drifting away

ever so softly

to a place

where again I'll be

all alone

and

lonely



My fears became like layers and layers of clothing that began to stifle and choke me.  Insecurity shrouded the essence of ME as I tried to protect myself from being hurt.

To say that I have all of my fears dealt with at this point would be a lie.  I guess what I have learned over time is that I must find the truth and rely on God's viewpoint to be my compass and guide.  Part of that is removing the layers that I have added in my life for protection and facing my fears head-on.

So I challenge you today to get naked!  Be courageous and intentional in removing the layers of fear and insecurity that have bound you.  I named this blog "fearless...the anthology" because I wanted to hear the thwump again and feel the freedom.  If I can do it you can too so ONE~TWO~THREE...let's go!